English is the most widely used language in the history of the world.
More than half the world's books are written in it
and one in every seven people can speak it.
The English language consists of about 2 million words
and owns a noble body of literature.
However, we have to admit it is a krazy language!
There is no egg in an eggplant;
no pine nor apple in pineapple;
and there is no ham in a hamburger.
Sweetmeats are confectionery and sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat.
English muffins weren't invented in England
and French Fries weren't invented in France.
We know that quicksand can flow slowly
and boxing rings are square;
public bathrooms have no bath;
and Guinea Pigs aren't pigs.
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce, and hammers
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
One goose, two geese -so;
one moose two meese??
If the teacher taught
why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
If you wrote a letter
you should have bot your tongue.
In what other language can you
drive on a parkway and park in a driveway;
recite at a play and play at a recital;
have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy
How can quite a lot and quite a few be the same?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day
and cold as hell the next?
Have you ever noticed how we talk about
certain things when they are absent.
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage
or a strap gown; met a sung hero
or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into anyone that was
gruntled, ruly or peccable?
Isn't it marvellous how our language enables your
house to burn up as it's burning down
and how we can fill in a form by filling it out!
English was invented by people, not computers
and reflects the creativity of the human race
( which really isn't a race at all ).
That is why when the stars are out they are visible
but when the light is out it is invisible.
And that is why when I wind up my watch I start it
but when I wind up this essay I finish it!!!!
....adapted from 'Crazy English'
by Richard Lederer